I wanted to find one of those stupid quizzes that I could fill out about myself just because I was in the mood to fill one out for some reason, but I couldn't find one. Oh well. Looks like I have to be left alone with my thoughts at the moment- which is what I think I was trying to avoid in the first place.
So this month, I think I have had the worst PMS of my entire life. I've been having these insane mood swings and the stupidest things upset me sooooo much. I hate this time of the month. Usually I'm perfectly content with my life, and then my raging hormones get in the way and all the sudden I decide I'm a horrible person and I feel completely miserable about life. I know guys sometimes think that PMS is some stupid excuse girls make- but there is something seriously messed up with me breaking down into tears and having no idea why. Ugh. I also got REALLY sick this month for the first time in a long time. I could not get out of bed all day Thursday. It was horrible.
Lately, I've been feeling that I'm not a very good friend to people. Take Laura for example: she's been on bed rest for about a month now, and she will be until the twins are born in October- and I haven't even been over to see her yet. And I only talk to her every couple of weeks. That is absolutely terrible. And most of my girlfriends from YSU, I hardly talk to them. I see Halley a lot, I spend every Wednesday with Jess, and Beth and I talk fairly often, but other than that- I never make an effort to make sure I see people or call them or anything, and I've been feeling really bad about that lately. I know I'm busy and everything, but that really isn't an excuse. If I was a good friend, I would make an effort to know what is going on in my friends' lives and to be there for them when they needed me. And everyone from high school- I try to talk to them as much as I can and see them whenever I can, but I just don't ever feel like I'm doing enough. I'm working a lot, but I can't really use that as an excuse.
I've also been really disappointed because it seems like a lot of my plans for the summer are falling through. However, I just got off the phone with Meg approximately 2.5 seconds ago, and it sounds like there's a possibility that we could still make the NYC trip happen. I will be absolutely devestated if that does not work out. There's also a possibility that I will be going to the Outer Banks for a week with some girls, or maybe Virginia for a weekend with the family. All I know is that I really need to get away. I'm starting to get sick of summer. I'm sick of working all the time... blah. Oh... and a HUGE BLAH is that I have to go that stupid math conference in Knoxville. That didn't even make the "things I'd like to do this summer" list. In fact, I think it was probably #1 on the "things I DON'T want to do this summer" list. And I got manipulated into going- which really pisses me off. I hate speaking in front of people, and call me crazy, but sitting inside listening to people talk about math for four days straight doesn't sound like a rip-roaring good time to me. Gaaaa.
And as for the male species- don't get me started. I knew this was going to happen. During the school year I was so insanely busy coaching two sports, working, and going to school full time that I didn't really have time to realize that I missed having a guy around all the time. And now that summer is here, and I don't work at all on the weekends, I'm starting to wish I had someone to spend them with. Granted, I still am not crazy about the whole boyfriend idea because I know I'm going to be insanely busy again as soon as the school year starts. There's really no point in me starting a relationship when I'm not going to want to invest much effort into it as soon as my semester starts. I don't know, I confuse myself. Because I don't want a boyfriend, yet I don't want to hang out with a guy who's fooling around with every other girl on the block. And I don't want a boyfriend, yet I'm scared to death of the fact that two years from now I'm going to enter the real world and I won't have anyone to share my life with. People tell me about how young I am all the time. They tell me about how I should enjoy being single and there's no rush to find "the one". And I AM enjoying being single. Believe me, I have been thoroughly enjoying being able to do whatever I want and hang out with whoever I want. But I have had my ENTIRE life to enjoy being single. Let me spell this out for you- I have NEVER had a boyfriend. NEVER. I never dated anyone in high school, and since I started college I have never been in a relationship. So I have had plenty of time to enjoy the single life. I'm sick of people telling me all about how young I am. Maybe I am young, but maybe I don't want to wait till I'm in my late twenties to settle down. I'm only 20 years old, but sometimes I feel like I'm a lot older on the inside. So I sit here and I tell myself that I don't want a boyfriend, but I know deep down inside that if the right person wanted to make things work, I would jump on it. And also, I think it would be a different story if I was single, but dating. Being single is great when you feel attractive and desirable. It's a lot of fun when you're going on dates and having fun with potential guys. However, I have not been on a date in almost a year. And it's not that I've turned guys down. I haven't been asked out on a date in almost a year. Last September was the last time I was on a date. That does a little bit to a girl's ego. Ok, I take that back. That does A LOT to a girl's ego. Kinda makes you feel like crap.
Well, obviously I've been in a glorious mood lately... lol. I'm really not a miserable person, I promise. Just having one of those days... er... weeks. Maybe I should start writing in my journal more when I'm happy. That way I don't appear to be a depressed spinster to anyone who decides to read my blog...ha.
That's all for now.


**Quote of the Day**
"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."
-Grey's Anatomy