"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. "

So I was sitting here thinking today and you know, it's funny, I don't think anything I've ever planned out for my life has happened. I mean, I'm sure the little things have worked out, but the big things- the huge aspirations that you have growing up, the things you spend time dreaming about- none of that has really worked out like I planned.
I had my heart set on going away for college. There was NO WAY I wanted to end up at YSU. I was accepted to four other schools. And here I am. A fine student at You Screwed Up. I mean, I can't really complain. School for free is pretty sweet, and I do get to live on campus. It's just not where I wanted to spend my college years. And I really, really wanted to play volleyball in college. Umm... I played intramurals for a few weeks this past semester... ha...right. And I always imagined myself getting married shortly after I graduated from college, and the groom... well... we're not even going to talk about that. And I never in a million years thought I would end up majoring in math.
Ultimately, I suppose I ended up making all of these decisions for myself. But if you had a choice between $0.00 and $80,000- you would probably take the free option too. And volleyball- I could have tried to walk on the team if I had wanted to play volleyball while trying to keep my GPA as high as it needs to be. And nobody forced me to major in math- I guess maybe the job market kind of forced me... lol. But it was really my decision. Overall though, I kind of think that it was God opening and closing doors for me. He gave me the opportunities that led to the decisions that I made. And here's the funny part- as much as I didn't want any of these things to happen- they have ultimately been some of the best things that have ever happened to me. YSU has led me to some of the greatest friends a girl could ever hope for- on top of the amazing friendships that I still have from high school. And as of this spring- YSU will be the first school in the country to have an undergraduate research center for mathematics... which is pretty sweet considering that's my major. And as for math being my major- not to say that I enjoy it all the time- but man alive, it has given me some pretty amazing opportunities. My resume will be pretty awesome. And not playing volleyball- although I miss competitive sports like you would not believe- I have had some awesome coaching opportunities. (Once again, fantastic resume builders). I've had experience coaching three sports, and have even been offered a head varsity position. (Unfortunately, I wasn't able to take it because of my stupid schedule this semester!!! Grrr...). Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I tend to question God a lot, apparently He does know exactly what He's doing.

"Lord, the sky's still blue
For my hope is in you
You're my joy
You're the dream that's still alive"






"If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside"

I had a mini conversation about my emotions with one of my really good friends today. It went something like this:
Him: Well don't just bottle them up.
Me: Too late.

For the first time in my life I have managed to not feel anything. I don't really know how it's possible. I'm hoping that it's just that I have complete and utter faith in God. But I don't know if that's the case. Not to say that I don't have faith in God. My faith is actually unbelievably stronger than it was last year at this time. I have even seen a huge difference in myself over this summer. But even though I do have faith, I think it's more that I have just completely stuffed every single emotion that I have down to the depths of my soul in hopes that if I ignore them for long enough, they will just go away. I refuse to let myself cry anymore, which is really uncharacteristic of me. And I just joke about stuff, and avoid talking about stuff so that I don't have to deal with it. I'm sure this a terribly unhealthy way of dealing with stuff. Unfortunately, to this point in my life, it's the only way I have found that has worked for the time being.
Basically, I have no idea how I feel about anything right now. I'm just kind of going with the flow. Hopefully God will turn this into something good the way He's done with all of my other dreams that have shattered.




Know your limits... but never stop trying to exceed them. ~Author Unknown