So I'm just going to warn you now: I'm basically going to throw a pity party for myself throughout this entire post. If that would annoy you, or if you're tired of hearing it, don't read it. But... if you want to understand where I'm coming from, why I feel the way I do, and why I react the way I react, then I would suggest that you continue to read. You may think I'm an idiot by the time you're done, but at least you'll understand why I'm an idiot. And that's all that really matters.

I had a conversation with my Mom tonight. I think some of my comments went something like this:
"Mom, do you think God's plan is for me to be single for my entire life?"
"Yeah, but Mom, I'm not saying I need to meet Mr. Perfect right now. God could at least give me some relationship experience. My gosh, I've never been in a single relationship!"
"Yeah, but I kinda of want 'when I least expect it' to be right now."

Ok, so you get the basic idea of what I'm frustrated with at the moment. And I shouldn't really say frustrated with. Because to be honest, it's not like a spend a great deal of time sitting there getting angry at the fact that I'm single. I truly do believe that I make the most of it and enjoy myself. I think it's more that I'm tired of it. I'm really tired of being single. Maybe it's the holidays and my birthday that are really fueling the fire that is currently burning inside of me. I'll be completely honest with you, a part of me does get sad around this time. I've never gotten to go Christmas shopping for that special someone. I've never had a guy take me out and celebrate my birthday with me. Not to say that spending my birthday with all of my friends is a bad thing. I absolutely love that I'm always with all of my friends. But words couldn't even express how much I would love to have a boyfriend that would make that day special for me. And I'm totally aware of the fact that I sound super ridiculous right now. I just really don't care. I'm in one of those moods.

"If you love someone, you say it, you say it right there, out loud. Otherwise the moment just passes you by." -My Best Friend's Wedding
Lately, I've been thinking about my view on the way dating and relationships should work- or at least the way I would like them to work. And in this picture-perfect view I have, the guy would pursue me. And ideally, that is exactly the way I want things to be. Call me old fashioned or whatever, but I think it's the guy's job to ask me out, to call me, etc. But recently, I've started thinking about whether or not I should allow this view to hold me back from going after what I want. Because if I never express how I feel, I can't ever expect him to know. It's cliche, but seriously, what's the worst that could happen? I tell a guy that I have feelings for him, and the feeling isn't mutual. I've been there, done that. It sucks, but I've survived thus far. What am I waiting for? When I sit there and wait around for the things I want to fall into my lap, it doesn't happen. Maybe it's bad luck, maybe it's because God has something else in mind. Whatever the case, maybe my luck wouldn't be so bad if I would just strap on a pair and go for the things I want in life. There are definitely situations where I have let the moment pass me by, so to speak, and now it's too late. I don't know... I'm not quite sure how I feel. I'm seriously confused about this, which I'm sure is evident because I think I'm really babbling. But hear me out. I've talked to some guys who think it would be a huge turn on if a girl approached them and pursued them. But then I've talked to others who want to be the pursuer and think it's a turn off if a girl is aggressive. So how do I tell the difference? Because quite frankly, I think that if a guy likes me enough, he should have the balls to approach me. But am I wrong about that? Are there some guys who are just shy, or too afraid of getting shut down? Are there some guys that if I were to open the door and make it known that I have feelings would feel much more comfortable and want to give things a shot? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. And because of that, I sit back and do nothing. And because I sit back and do nothing, there are amazing guys that never even knew I had feelings for them. There is a quote that says: "The only things life denies you are the ones you are willing to let pass you by." Maybe there's some truth to that. Maybe when I'm too scared to put my feelings on the line, or when I feel like giving up on something that I've always wanted, maybe I should remember that. Maybe I need to learn to fight for what I want.

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."
I struggle with the whole giving up on the fairy tale thing. I don't know why, but I really have a hard time letting go of things. I've really been having a difficult time with this lately. I keep thinking that maybe he'll realize that he actually likes me and wants to be with me. That maybe if I do this right, or say this right, maybe he'll decide he's tired of waiting around for the other girl and that he's done getting the fun out of his system. But chances of that happening are slim to none. I know where I stand, and I need to accept that and stop trying to change that. And in the mean time, I should probably stop putting my emotions on the line while trying to change it. It's not doing me any good, and unless there's some sort of miracle in the making, I'm going to end up angry with myself and hurting all over again. And it will be nobody's fault but my own.


I don't know, I guess I just am in one of my "I wish I had a boyfriend" moods. And not only that, I'm just getting to the age where I wish I had some experience in a relationship. I'm not going to know what I want, and I'm not going to learn from my mistakes if I don't ever have any experiences. You can't learn anything about an actual boyfriend-girlfriend relationship just from short-term dating or from a friends with benefits situation because that is NOT what any real relationship will be like.

Blah. Ok, I'll end my pity party for now.


P.S. Look at the lyrics for the song Gallery by Mario Vasquez. I'm pretty sure he wrote this song for me... minus the whole thing about the guy being rich.