Just when you think you have it all figured out...


You know, it does feel good to get everything off your chest, to know that you didn't leave anything left unsaid. And it's nice to express your feelings, put yourself out there, and say where you would like things to go, otherwise you may regret not doing so. You may have thought that there would have been a chance, had you just said something. But would it be better to live with the feeling of "what if?" rather than get stuck experiencing the sting of rejection? Part of me thinks that knowing is better than wondering. But then there's this part of me, the emotional, sensitive part of me, that thinks wondering would be better than knowing that they just don't think you're all that great. Knowing that in their mind, what they've got is much better than what you have to offer. And I've heard all the garbage about how they probably think you're a really great person, but the magic just wasn't there. And maybe that's true. But it's pretty tough to see things that way when you're in the midst of it.
I'm going to explain something to you. The only two guys in my life that I have ever really, really cared about, have both given me the same type line. "It's never going to happen" and "You're just never meant to be". So I don't care what you think of me, but I'm going to sit here and I'm going to take a second to feel sorry for myself and throw myself a pity party. Because when the only two people you ever open up to, tell you the same thing, it kinda makes you start to wonder what it is that puts you in that "never" category. I know, I know... everything happens for a reason and God is probably just saving me from heartache and preparing me for my Prince Charming. Well you know what, I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of not being "good enough" for the people I want to be with. In all honesty, I just want someone to love me. I remember being in the car with Julia and Halley one night, and they were saying how many people in their lives had told them that they loved them. I forget the exact numbers, but I'm pretty sure each of them had two or more. And I remember that conversation so vividly because all I could think was that I have never, in my entire life, had a guy tell me that he loves me. Never. Ok, so my Dad and brother and relatives... but in a romantic sense, nobody has ever loved me. Kinda makes me feel like I'm not all that loveable.
Ok, I'm done now. I'm sure a couple of days from now I'll look back at this post and think about how pathetic I sound. And I'm sure those of you reading this are thinking about how pathetic I sound. But I really don't care. I needed a second to express myself and feel sorry for myself. I took that second, and from now on, I'll have my pity parties in private.