I am pissed at myself. There, I said it. I'm not angry with anyone else, only myself. A few weeks ago I wrote a post about love. I'm going to repost part of that, because I've got quite a few more reflections about what I had written.

"So shut your mouth and hold me close. We both know it's better than being alone."

And what I'm about to go into, I think I have written about before, but I'm going to do it again. When I think about having a boyfriend, sometimes the idea is really appealing. I mean, almost every single one of my best friends here is in a relationship, and especially when it comes to days like Sweetest Day and Valentines Day, the whole being single thing pretty much sucks. But other times, I absolutely love the fact that I'm single. I don't have to try and squeeze boyfriend time into my schedule, I don't have to answer to anyone. Basically, I do what I want. So I'm stuck between these two feelings, and what I've decided is that I want a "sort-of" boyfriend. Which basically sounds like me saying I want a friend with benefits. But that's not what I want. Not at all. As a woman, the physical aspect of a relationship is a gift that I have to give, and I don't want to give that to someone that I don't care about. Sex, obviously is something that wouldn't happen until I'm married, but even a simple kiss or two, that's not something I want to just give to anyone. Maybe you think I'm a prude, maybe I'm too modest. Whatever you think of me, I don't care... the physical aspect of a relationship is important to me. So when I say I want a "sort-of" boyfriend, what I mean is, I want a guy that I can see myself with in the future, but someone that I don't have to date right now. I want our "sort-of" relationship to be working towards something. I want someone that I can spend time with every once in a while, someone that I can call when I have really good news, someone who will hold me when I have a really bad day. But this is an extremly unrealistic desire. Because if I had this "sort-of" boyfriend, I would want him to be faithful to me. And that's not a realistic request for anyone. I'm not saying that I would be able to do whatever I want, I would of course be faithful to him too... but I'm just saying, that if a guy doesn't have a girlfriend, then he's not tied down. In fact, that's precisely the reason that most guys don't want girlfriends.... they want to be able to flirt with whoever they want, hang out with whoever they want, whatever. So basically, I need to give up my hopes for this "sort-of" boyfriend to waltz into my life. It ain't gonna happen.


Ok- that's what I wrote a few weeks ago. And here's what I have to say now. I am a moron. I said in the entry I wrote earlier tonight that lately, I've been on auto-pilot. I don't really think a whole lot about what I do, I just kind of go with the flow. That's bad. Ok, let me rewind and try to organize my thoughts. I am in no way, shape or form ready for a relationship at this point in my life. If Prince Charming came to sweep me off my feet, I would think about it. Other than that, I'm not ready. Not emotionally, not mentally, not in any way. I'm not going to go into why... I'll just leave it at a simple, I'm NOT ready. But I'm also not the person that thinks a kiss is only a kiss. Everything I do, whether I have thought about the decision or not, means something to me. In fact, it means a lot to me. This is where the whole being pissed at myself part comes in. What I just said about a kiss being more than just a kiss to me, I'm fully aware of that fact about myself. I can have absolutely zero desire to be in a serious relationship with someone, but a kiss is still more than a kiss. I guess it kind of goes back to the whole "sort-of" boyfriend thing. I may not want you to be mine right now, but you better believe that if I give you that part of me, I see something in you. Something that I like. Something that I think makes you worth keeping around. So yeah, I may be going on all these blind dates, I may have an open mind about everything, but that's all they are. A blind date, a phone call here and there. Nothing more. And if it was more, you best believe I wouldn't make decisions like I have been. Here is the part where I piss myself off. I fail to take into account that this is NOT the way the brain of the male species functions. A kiss IS just a kiss. And I'm not saying that the way men think is wrong. I just have to take off the rose colored glasses and actually think about that. My desire for a casual relationship with a person, where they have to be faithful to me, is completely asinine. That's not the way the world works. And you know, I think I have been fully aware of this from the beginning... yet I still chose to be an idiot. That's what pisses me off more than anything. Every part of the way I feel right now is my fault. And that makes me feel even worse. And what makes me feel still even worse than that, is the fact that I probably would make the same decisions if I did it all over again. And if I had the opportunity, I would probably make the same decision tomorrow, and the next day. I'm a weak person. I'm weak, and I'm stupid. Not a good combination. I really just need to figure out my life. What I want. What I am willing to put up with. What I think about everything. How I feel about everything and everyone. Because right now, I seriously have no idea. I am so confused.

I do have to say though- I'm really confused, and I'm pretty angry with myself, but I'm not like crazy upset and crying or anything. I tried the whole "having sex like a man" thing (minus the sex), and it worked for a little while, and then it came back to bite me in the butt. I realize this, I'm mad at myself for it, but I'm not dwelling on it. I just really needed to take the time to sit down and think about everything because I had been avoiding it for so long. So basically, I'm doing just fine... I'm just really confused about what I want.